"People Who Love Me." It's been more than 15 years since the day I wrote those words on the top of a journal page and started listing the handful of people whose names that I could add with full confidence. There weren't many of them that very first day, but that was because I had found myself in a place I had never been before, and, for the first time in my life, I needed to know who truly KNEW me...knew what I had done...and would still choose to love me.
After years of trying so hard to please those that I cared about and making sure my choices wouldn't let anybody down, I had unknowingly come to believe that I was loved based solely on my performance. That worked until I could no longer "perform." Pain and heartbreak entered my life and left me feeling broken. And, as broken people often do, I made broken choices. Painful, life-changing choices that hurt those that I loved most in this world. It was those choices that led me to the most broken place I had, or have ever, been. A place where I felt very ashamed and very alone. A place that caused me to feel the need to create a list of people who loved me.
Have you ever felt that way? Maybe you've never composed a physical list, but you've felt that there were only a handful of people that, if they truly knew you, would still consider you worthy of their love? If you have, or if you are currently feeling that way, I want you to know that God's name is ALWAYS on the top of that list. That broken place is where I found Him and grew to love Him so deeply. His love and mercy allowed me to crawl out of that dark place and truly believe that I was loved unconditionally...regardless of my performance.
During the weeks and months that followed that day, I found healing through Him and by Him with every person whose name I could add to that list. Eventually that list grew to have quite a few names on it. And, as time went by, I no longer felt the need to add names. I was able to trust that I was worthy of love not because of what I had or had not done, but because of Jesus.
Does that mean that every person who was a part of my life ended up on that list? No. Sin and bad choices have consequences. Devastating consequences. Broken relationships were a part of mine. However, God makes beauty from ashes, and if you have heard me share "my story" you have most likely heard me refer to it as just that. My "beauty from ashes" story. Our amazing, merciful God can take something that seems dead and breathe life into it in a way that not only restores but redeems what once seemed so hopeless.
I'm not sure what has me thinking about that list today. Maybe it's because I am feeling so grateful for my beautiful community. A community that is composed of people who are real and transparent and love each other well. Maybe it's because IF:Gathering will take place soon, and one of the things I so love about IF is the safe place it provides for those who need to know they are loved.
What I do know, without a doubt, is that we are surrounded by hurting people every day. They are walking around hoping they can find a few more names to add to their lists. I pray that my name is always on those lists. I want to love people when they're at rock bottom. I want to love people when they need it the most. I want to love regardless of what it might cost me. I want to love regardless of whether or not I am loved the same way in return.
I want to love because I am loved. We are all loved. So deeply.
1 Peter 4:8 "Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers a multitude of sins."
After years of trying so hard to please those that I cared about and making sure my choices wouldn't let anybody down, I had unknowingly come to believe that I was loved based solely on my performance. That worked until I could no longer "perform." Pain and heartbreak entered my life and left me feeling broken. And, as broken people often do, I made broken choices. Painful, life-changing choices that hurt those that I loved most in this world. It was those choices that led me to the most broken place I had, or have ever, been. A place where I felt very ashamed and very alone. A place that caused me to feel the need to create a list of people who loved me.
Have you ever felt that way? Maybe you've never composed a physical list, but you've felt that there were only a handful of people that, if they truly knew you, would still consider you worthy of their love? If you have, or if you are currently feeling that way, I want you to know that God's name is ALWAYS on the top of that list. That broken place is where I found Him and grew to love Him so deeply. His love and mercy allowed me to crawl out of that dark place and truly believe that I was loved unconditionally...regardless of my performance.
During the weeks and months that followed that day, I found healing through Him and by Him with every person whose name I could add to that list. Eventually that list grew to have quite a few names on it. And, as time went by, I no longer felt the need to add names. I was able to trust that I was worthy of love not because of what I had or had not done, but because of Jesus.
Does that mean that every person who was a part of my life ended up on that list? No. Sin and bad choices have consequences. Devastating consequences. Broken relationships were a part of mine. However, God makes beauty from ashes, and if you have heard me share "my story" you have most likely heard me refer to it as just that. My "beauty from ashes" story. Our amazing, merciful God can take something that seems dead and breathe life into it in a way that not only restores but redeems what once seemed so hopeless.
I'm not sure what has me thinking about that list today. Maybe it's because I am feeling so grateful for my beautiful community. A community that is composed of people who are real and transparent and love each other well. Maybe it's because IF:Gathering will take place soon, and one of the things I so love about IF is the safe place it provides for those who need to know they are loved.
What I do know, without a doubt, is that we are surrounded by hurting people every day. They are walking around hoping they can find a few more names to add to their lists. I pray that my name is always on those lists. I want to love people when they're at rock bottom. I want to love people when they need it the most. I want to love regardless of what it might cost me. I want to love regardless of whether or not I am loved the same way in return.
I want to love because I am loved. We are all loved. So deeply.
1 Peter 4:8 "Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers a multitude of sins."
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